(Scene: K’s desk, staring at her computer screen, waiting for that magical moment when she gets an email from L…Finally!)
L: You know, if you don’t like people asking you why you aren’t married or why you don’t have a boyfriend, maybe you should make a tshirt with all the guys you’ve dated, what went wrong, damage they caused, and then on the back it can say, “SO LAY OFF ALREADY!”
K: Oooo, I like that idea!
L: So how would you word this shirt, if you actually were going to make it?
K: (an hour later, after pondering just how she’d write it up): I have it!
L: Let’s see it!
K: I think it might have to be a 3XL, but here it is:
“Why I have commitment issues”
“The First Boyfriend”
Time together: 1 year, off and on.
Characteristics: verbally abusive, sarcastic, obsessed with body image.
Reason for Break-up: Decided he would rather be with someone cute and funny, preferably shorter than him.
Meanest Words: “No one would ever read a book you wrote.”
Damage Caused: Low self-esteem
“The Almost Husband”
Time together: 2 years, solid. Planned on getting married.
Characteristics: verbally, physically, and mentally abusive, controlling, manipulative, aggressive, dramatic.
Reason for Break-up: Inability to show compassion and care during an extremely serious situation. He also killed chocolate lab puppies.
Meanest Words: “If you break up with me, no one else will ever want you,” “No one will ever love you again, because you’re not easy to love,” “I know you’re enjoying the attention you’re getting from having cancer, but you need to pay more attention to me,”
Damage Caused: More than anyone will ever know.
“The Mumbler”
Time together: 3 dates from hell.
Characteristics: chronic mumbling, body image issues, obsession with money and social standing, socially inept.
Reason for Break-up*: exercise dates, dumb car.
Meanest Words**: “Besides the fact that she’s fat, she has absolutely no personality whatsoever.”
Damage Caused: Fear of weight gain, calories, and carbohydrates; constant worry of being perceived as fat/unattractive.
“The Addict”
Time together: 1 month, plus a visit to the rehab facility on family day.
Characteristics: rude, unintelligent, brash.
Reason for Break-up: Addiction to narcotics, bizarre behavior.
Meanest Words: “Your face is really, really beautiful, but your body could use some work.”
Damage Caused: More distrust in men, a fear of small cars and bluegrass music
*There was no actual break-up, we just never moved past the 3rd date.
**As told to a close friend as the reason for not wanting to go on a 4th date
L: Yeah, I’m pretty sure you have every right in the universe to be afraid of getting close to a guy.
K: There’s just so much potential for pain, and I’ve already been through enough of that. I just want a guy who thinks I’m the greatest thing since the original Star Wars series.
L: Someone great is going to get you someday, I just know it.
K: At this point, I don’t care. I feel like I’m the butt of some kind of cosmic joke. You know, like God has dangled something that He knows I really want right in front of me, and every time I reach out for it, He yanks it back. And I know it’s not that way, but sometimes it feels like it. Can I please, please, please catch a break? I think I handled cancer pretty well, and losing J, and losing the job. I just want one little thing to work out, you know?
L: I know, I know. It will, it’s just not now.
K: I really need something to work out soon. I need some kind of spark at the end of the tunnel.
L: Wanna have an “I hate the universe party this Friday night?”
K: Yeah.
L: Ok.
K: I love you.
L: I love you too. It’s going to be okay.
K: Promise?
L: Would I ever steer you wrong?
K: Not ever.
L: Ok then.
(Sometimes even the funny girls go through serious things. That’s why they’re so funny; it’s a coping mechanism. Well, that and eating a lot of chocolate almond butter. End scene.)
Our Father's Mustache 