Our Father's Mustache

(Scene: The Whole Foods Market on Peoria, K & dear friend A are passing time doing one of their very favorite things; sampling the odd dried food selection over by the nut butter machines. K and A split up for a little bit, allowing K time to do something she is always extremely good at; the awkward moment.)

K: (Wandering near the front of the store by the registers, scanning for interesting magazines. She settles on “Gluten Free Living” and also “InSTYLE”)

Cashier: Are you ready to check out?

K: Oh, no. I’m waiting for my friend. We split a basket, so I can’t check out just yet.

Cashier: I think you made the right choice going with the InStyle magazine. It’s a very compelling issue.

K: Please don’t judge me….Er, I mean, Uh, This is for my compost pile. Duh!

Cashier: Ohhhh, right.

K: Actually, I’ve always wondered why Whole Foods sells stuff like “Shape” and “Vogue” and….

Cashier: Paula Dean’s Homestyle Comfort Food?

K: Yes.

Cashier: I can tell you that you  won’t have abs like that (pointing to the Victoria’s Secret model on the cover of “Shape”) if you eat all that (pointing to Paula Dean’s Butter Bible).

K: I have Celiac disease and Whole Foods is supposed to be a safe place for me. I stand in line and look at Paula Dean and almost instantaneously get explosive diarrhea from all the gluten pictured there. And I’m so sorry that I just said that out loud.

Cashier: Wow. That was so awesome.

K: No. I just said explosive and diarrhea. That’s not awesome. That’s disgusting.

Cashier: (Laughing hysterically) Please, please, please check out at my line when you’re ready.

K: I’m going to walk away now.

Cashier: Funniest thing I’ve heard all night.

K: Still walking away.

(A few moments later, A joins K in the frozen foods section)

K: I told the cashier that Paula Dean gives me diarrhea.

A: You what?

K: I don’t know how we got there. It went from compost to my digestive health so fast.

A: Well, come on, let’s check out! Which one was it?

K: The short one. Faux hawk.

A: Oh, he totally thinks you’re cute.

K: I don’t know how to feel about that.

A: (Laughing) oh, K.

(Ready to check out, K has the nerve to actually make good on her word and gets in line at the promised check stand)

Cashier: Ah, the funny girl.

K: Yes, hi.

Cashier: I still think you made the right choice with “InStyle.”

K: I appreciate that vote of confidence. Also, I need you to know that I eat other stuff besides cookies and popcorn.

Cashier: Why? That’s all I ever eat.

K: I just needed you to know that.

Cashier: Well, ok.

K: Also, I’d like to buy this very awesome grocery tote to make up for saying the words “explosive” and “diarrhea” together in a sentence.

Cashier: No way. It’s free. You made me laugh so hard that it’s the least I can do. (begins to re-bag K’s groceries because they were already in a paper bag).

K: Seriously? That’s the only time being honest about my intestinal distress has benefited me in a positive way.

Cashier: Right on.

(K and A grab their purchases and begin walking to their cars)

A: He was so into you.

K: No, he was not!

A: Yes, he was!!!!

K: I still don’t know how I should feel about a guy digging me because I told him about my bowel habits.

A: I love it when we hang out.

K: I still can’t believe I said that.

(End Scene)