(Scene: The local Whole Foods Market. K is in need of some vital GF foods and has made the trek to Peoria on this normal Wednesday evening)
K: (Internal dialogue) Let’s see…I need cookies, biscuits, couscous, MUFFINS, and what else? I always feel like I’m forgetting something…oh, hey, this magazine looks pretty cool. I bet this is what all the cool vegan girls read. Maybe I need to buy some enviromentally-conscious shampoo. Maybe I need to make my OWN shampoo! Nah. That’s a lot of work. Ok. I guess I have enough cookies & snacks–WAIT! DONUTS! GLUTEN FREE CHOCOLATE COVERED OLD FASHIONED! Well, hot dang. One box or two…? Just one. My freezer isn’t very big. Also, I don’t need that many donuts. OOOO, free samples! NO. RESIST. Go check out. I wonder how much this will cost…(Stands quietly while the cashier starts to ring items up).
Cashier: (slowly scanning items, one by one; clears throat and begins to speak…) You know that we sell produce as well, right?
K: (Begins to blush) Well, yes.
Cashier: I just wanted to make sure you were aware of that. Veggies are naturally gluten free.
K: (Feeling compelled to talk through the awkward moment) Yes, yes they are. I do eat other things besides cookies and biscuits. It’s just that I live 30 minutes away from Whole Foods and can’t get my favorite snacks at my local stores.
Cashier: Ah.
K: (Continuing awkwardly) I really do eat a balanced diet. Fruits, I love fruits. Spinach. You know, gotta have my leafy greens. I’m like a bunny. But I’m not. I’m sorry for talking.
Cashier: That’ll be $95.67.
K: (Quietly thinks, “Yeah, that’s why I don’t buy my produce here, but you wouldn’t understand that, would you? NO. Gotta only have organic. HA.”) Alright.
Cashier: Thanks. Have a nice day.
K: (Turns on the heel of her LEATHER BOOT– THAT’S RIGHT. I WEAR LEATHER) You too.
(Now every time K shops at Whole Foods, she feels a deep need to inform the cashier that she does eat a balanced diet and respects her body. Each time, the reaction is the same. No one cares. End scene)
Our Father's Mustache 