Our Father's Mustache

So, I had this whole post written out, and it was a very specific post, but decided that angry ranting blog posts are the ones that tend to come back and bite you in the rear. Instead of my angry rant, I’m just going to write a random poem. Yeah. Who knows, maybe I’ll write more than one poem. Maybe I’ll write 86. It’s my blog and I’ll do as I please, thank you very much.

So many yesses,

very few no’s.

Where we end up,

nobody knows.

You’ve got your reasons

I’ve got my rhyme

but we both lack

the concept of time

you grip my hand

so firm, no slack

keep holding on

no looking back

I move mountains

you gather the stars

we wish on light

we trap in a jar

I want to win

you seldom lose

why is the heart

so easy to bruise?

(Scene: K’s desk, staring at her computer screen, waiting for that magical moment when she gets an email from L…Finally!)

L: You know, if you don’t like people asking you why you aren’t married or why you don’t have a boyfriend, maybe you should make a tshirt with all the guys you’ve dated, what went wrong, damage they caused, and then on the back it can say, “SO LAY OFF ALREADY!”

K: Oooo, I like that idea!

L: So how would you word this shirt, if you actually were going to make it?

K: (an hour later, after pondering just how she’d write it up): I have it!

L: Let’s see it!

K: I think it might have to be a 3XL, but here it is:

“Why I have commitment issues”

“The First Boyfriend”

         Time together: 1 year, off and on.

         Characteristics: verbally abusive, sarcastic, obsessed with body image.

          Reason for Break-up: Decided he would rather be with someone cute and funny, preferably shorter than him.

Meanest Words: “No one would ever read a book you wrote.”

Damage Caused: Low self-esteem

 “The Almost Husband”

Time together: 2 years, solid. Planned on getting married.

         Characteristics: verbally, physically, and mentally abusive, controlling, manipulative, aggressive, dramatic.

         Reason for Break-up: Inability to show compassion and care during an extremely serious situation. He also killed chocolate lab puppies.

         Meanest Words: “If you break up with me, no one else will ever want you,” “No one will ever love you again, because you’re not easy to           love,” “I know you’re enjoying the attention you’re getting from having cancer, but you need to pay more attention to me,”

         Damage Caused: More than anyone will ever know.

“The Mumbler”

          Time together: 3 dates from hell.

         Characteristics: chronic mumbling, body image issues, obsession with money and social standing, socially inept.

Reason for Break-up*: exercise dates, dumb car.

         Meanest Words**: “Besides the fact that she’s fat, she has absolutely no personality whatsoever.”

         Damage Caused: Fear of weight gain, calories, and carbohydrates; constant worry of being perceived as fat/unattractive.

“The Addict”

Time together: 1 month, plus a visit to the rehab facility on family day.

Characteristics: rude, unintelligent, brash.

Reason for Break-up: Addiction to narcotics, bizarre behavior.

         Meanest Words: “Your face is really, really beautiful, but your body could use some work.”

Damage Caused: More distrust in men, a fear of small cars and bluegrass music

*There was no actual break-up, we just never moved past the 3^rd date.

**As told to a close friend as the reason for not wanting to go on a 4^th date

L: Yeah, I’m pretty sure you have every right in the universe to be afraid of getting close to a guy.

K: There’s just so much potential for pain, and I’ve already been through enough of that. I just want a guy who thinks I’m the greatest thing since the original Star Wars series.

L: Someone great is going to get you someday, I just know it.

K: At this point, I don’t care. I feel like I’m the butt of some kind of cosmic joke. You know, like God has dangled something that He knows I really want right in front of me, and every time I reach out for it, He yanks it back. And I know it’s not that way, but sometimes it feels like it. Can I please, please, please catch a break? I think I handled cancer pretty well, and losing J, and losing the job. I just want one little thing to work out, you know?

L: I know, I know. It will, it’s just not now.

K: I really need something to work out soon. I need some kind of spark at the end of the tunnel.

L: Wanna have an “I hate the universe party this Friday night?”

K: Yeah.

L: Ok.

K: I love you.

L: I love you too. It’s going to be okay.

K: Promise?

L: Would I ever steer you wrong?

K: Not ever.

L: Ok then.

(Sometimes even the funny girls go through serious things. That’s why they’re so funny; it’s a coping mechanism. Well, that and eating a lot of chocolate almond butter. End scene.)

(Scene: The couch in the family room at home. K sits with her medium-sized dog named Pepper. Pepper is the mixed up version of a schnauzer and a chocolate lab (more on the schnauzer side) and one of the best listeners around.)

K: (Looking over at Pepper) What? Don’t look at me like that.

P: (Silently gazes at K)

K: Listen, I know you’re upset that I didn’t give you anything special for dinner, but I’m only doing what’s good for you.

P: (Silent)

K: Here, have a Dorito.

P: (Crunch, crunch, crunch)

K: Better now?

P: (Wags tail)

K: You’re welcome. Here, come sit on my lap. I’m cold.

P: (Bounces over and flops down)

K: Thank you.

P: (Wags tail)

K: What are you laughing at?

P: (Wags tail harder)

K: No, seriously, what’s so funny?

P: (Wags tail at full force)

K: Ok, mocking me because I can’t throw your stick as far as other members of this family is NOT ok.

P: (Sarcastically looks up)

K: Fine.

P: (Licks K’s cheek)

K: Darn it. Why are you so cute?

P: (Wags tail)

K: You’re making it hard for me to be existential.

P: (Cocks ears, low rumble of a growl)

K: Ok, ok, I’m sorry for moping around. Here, let’s play with your sock.

P: (Gives look that says, “Ha, yeah right, lady. I’m not getting off your lap for anything short of a Milkbone.”)

K: Well, fine. We’ll just sit here in this blanket and watch Masterpiece Theatre.

P: (Wags tail at full speed)

(Some days are just that way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It could be worse. You could be sitting on a couch by yourself talking to absolutely no one. When you have a dog, at least you have a captive audience that listens to what would normally be an internal monologue…anyway, end scene.)

(Scene: Thursday, our girl K is sitting at her desk, working hard on an Excel spreadsheet for tomorrow’s meeting, which got cancelled. Yes, you read that correctly. Anyway, as K sits, typing away, a visitor stops by to chat.)

S: (In true Joey Tribianni fashion) Hey, K. How you doing?

K: Oh…hi… I’m good. Just working away here. Very busy. Busy day.

S: So I saw a picture of you in C’s cube.

K: (Very confused) Oh…?

S: The one of you in an OU jersey. You look reeeal good in it.

K: Oh… Yeah… That was what we did for Halloween here at work.

S: So what were you for Halloween at home?

K: (debating how to answer this without giving him a mental image) Uhm… A panda….but I didn’t really go anywhere…just over to my friend’s house to give some candy to some kids.

S: That right?

K: Um… yes.

S: Halloween used to be such a big thing. I think it’s gone out of style these days.

K: Um, dang trunk or treat.

S: Well, I’ll be going now. I’ll see you later, though.

K: (Holding back a sarcastic and arguably sardonic “Oh goody”) Sure. Bye.

(Unfortunately, more than likely to be continued…end scene)

Tell Me Your Dreams…

(Scene: Thursday at our girl K’s desk. There are a few fellows working in the office across from her desk, trying to get it ready for one of K’s superiors to move in on Monday. It seems that one of the hard-working gentlemen has taken an interest in K. Let’s listen in.)

S: So, you can sure type fast. I don’t know how you do it.

K: Oh, I used instant messenger a lot in high school. I just got used to typing really fast.

S: Aren’t you a little young to have used instant messenger?

K: Not really…I’m 26.

S: You don’t say…(walks back in to the office to work a bit more)

(K keeps working on her tasks, trying to get everything done so she can fully enjoy her weekend. The gentleman decides to take a small break and make some more conversation…)

S: You’ve got a lot of pictures up on your cabinets, but I don’t see kids in any of them.

K: Oh, I don’t have kids.

S: You got a husband?

K: Um…no…

S: (reading the “inspirational” magnet that K has up on her filing cabinet) If you could do anything without failing, what would you do?

K: (starting to get annoyed and a little creeped out) Uhhhh….I would go big wave surfing in Hawaii.

S: Oh, so you like extreme sports? You go sky diving and snowboarding?

K: No, I’ve never done either.

S: You ever been on a cruise?

K: Nope.

S: Where would you go if you ever went on one?

K: I don’t know…I’d like to see Alaska –

S: (interrupting) I LOVE ALASKA!

K: Or maybe some Pacific islands…

(S wraps up his work but promises to be back the next day to complete things. He does come back, but doesn’t say much; just hovers around, being a little creepy. He stops back again on Monday to finish up a few little things.)

S: Hey K. How are you today?

K: Oh, I’m alright. I’ve got lots of work to do today.

S: Oh yeah?

K: Yes.

S: (not getting the hint) When I was up here on Friday, I noticed you had some pictures on your desk. I decided that I would respect you and not look through them.

K:  (making mental note to hide pictures and also make sure her computer is locked at night) Uhhhmmm, oh. Ok. They aren’t really that interesting.

S: Oh.

(S stops back by on Tuesday. No one really knows why…)

S: Hey K. How are you today?

K: I’m good. How are you?

S: Pretty good.

K: That’s good.

S: (Out of left field) I wanted to ask, what color are your eyes? On Friday they looked really blue, but today they look really green. Maybe it’s because you did your make-up a little differently?

K: (confused and befuddled) Well, I can’t really tell you what color they are because they do change between blue and green. Some days they’re blue, and some days they are green. It’s crazy. (almost undetectably sarcastic) I guess they’re blue-green.

S: Ah. Well, they’re really interesting.

K: Thanks…

(After completely freaking K out with his intense attention to detail, S leaves, but doesn’t stay away for long. Wednesday is a new day, and another opportunity to visit. This time, K is ready.)

S: (visiting at another cubical, he notices K walk by.) Hey, K. How you doing?

K: Just fine, thank you!

(After returning to her desk, K grabs her giant coffee cup and hightails it out of the area. There’s one cube that is safer than all others: her dad’s)

K: I swear, he’s stopped by every day!

D: Well. I don’t know what to tell you.

(K’s friend A walks up)

A: (Sarcstically) If you’d just stop being pretty, this wouldn’t happen.

K: (Joking and dramatic.  Fist in the air.) DARN THIS FACE AND MY ADDICTION TO BEING NICE TO EVERYONE!

D: Here. Put these on. Maybe he’ll leave you alone if you wear these.

(Dad hands her some coke bottle glasses that even the coolest hipster would avoid)

K: Perfect.

D: If that doesn’t work, we can add a ridiculous hat. There’s also the flarp.

K: Let’s not get crazy just yet.

(To be continued….)