Our Father's Mustache

(Scene: K’s room on a gloomy Wednesday night. L has come over after a long, hard day so our two favorite working girls can brainstorm ideas for making more bank. Along with brainstorming comes random chit-chat, and they tend to have the most random chit-chat of all…)

L: So, if we decide to make cards, what kind of “topics” should we have?

K: Well, I guess “thank you” and “thinking of you” would be pretty easy, and people probably would buy those…I think.

L: Let’s make cards that are blank inside. We’re already going to be expending energy on design and greeting…people probably want to have the option to say whatever they want anyway.

K: Good point. Ooooo, what about “bestie” cards?

L: That sounds cool, but what the heck would we say on the front?

K: How about, “I love you more than I hate the Kardashians”?

L: That’s perfect! It says so much while still being simple.

(After about 30 more minutes, distraction settles in and the girls begin to talk about the future and how they plan to deal with changes that will likely come.)

K: I saw a Herman Cain bumper sticker the other day. I didn’t know he was a serious contender. I though he was the novelty runner.

L: All I know is that if Michelle Bachmann is elected, Chuck and I are moving to Canada. We even picked a city, Victoria. It’s near Seattle, and the health insurance is free.

K: I’m moving with you.

L: Excellent.

K: Why didn’t moving to Canada occur to us before? It’s so much more feasible than our old plan of becoming rich, moving to London, and finding me a footballer or rugby player to marry.

L: I’m not sure. Maybe because it’s cold in Canada?

K: Maybe. Here’s to Canada, eh?

L: I’m all for it, doncha know.

K: Maybe we could live on an island…

L: (Laughter) Maybe.

(Topics turn to other random things, like the book that our girl K so desperately wants to write and pondering job situations, God, and why it seems as though prayers are being ignored or going unanswered…topics for another day. Fade lights, end scene.)

So many thoughts and so little rational thought process…

Today, the company I work for filed for bankruptcy. Which isn’t really as huge of a deal as it seems, at least not right now. Of course, when I say that it’s not a huge deal as of right now, it’s because I’m on so much cold medicine that I really don’t care about much aside from how soft my bed is and how glad I am that I put off car shopping for as long as I have because if I do get laid off, at least I won’t have a car payment (run-on sentence, say what).

Anyway, because I was in panic-mode earlier today, I decided to explore some alternate career options. This is what I came up with (and this is seriously what the list looked like):

• Pharmaceutical Sales: If worse came to worse, I could do this job. I have the educational background for it and while I think this field is morally bankrupt, at least they aren’t fiscally bankrupt.
• Editor at a publishing company: This would be great. The only issue is that the pay sucks and the field is notoriously cutthroat. If you want to get ahead, you have to prove it any way you can.
• Freelance writer/contributor for numerous publications:This would be a cool and very interesting job. The only issue is that I need group life insurance and there’s a good chance this job wouldn’t offer that.
• Hit-woman: I’d be an ideal hit-woman because no one would every think that I have it in me (because I don’t).
• Wife of a mob boss: I’m loyal and can keep my mouth shut.
• Pro-surfer: Yes, I’m dead serious on this one. We’d spend so much time on the beach at Fort Bragg, CA and up in Tulalip, WA that I love the ocean. I love body surfing and somehow, in all those years of beach-going and body surfing, nobody ever thought to bring a surfboard with us. I have a delusion that I could still make my teenage fantasy of being a pro-surfer come true.
• Reality Television: My best friend and I could totally have our own show. It would be on E! and come on before The Soup. The whole plot revolves around us coming to the realization that even though we did everything the right way (the right classes in high school, good grades, college, etc), we’re working in jobs that require no more education than a GED and a partially functioning brain. We decide to ease our troubles with wine and then become homeless winos who wear snuggies, live under a bridge, and have a squirrel and pigeon as pets. Or we could go on the Amazing Race, which would be pretty much the same storyline, except with more yelling and less snuggies.
• Publish a children’s book: This is actually the most feasible thing on this list.

So it’s obvious that I have options, some more viable than others but nonetheless options. And if worse comes to worse, I can always live in denial. We all know that’s the best way to cope with difficult situations anyway.

And as a side note; my day was not all bad. This is the list of good things that happened on this not so great tuesday:

• “You lost that loving feeling” and “Wake me up before you go, go” as sung by Mackey, who managed to somehow include “filing chapter 11 bankruptcy” in the lyrics.
• Princess Ladybug (I have the coolest boss)
• Emailing the bestie all day long about some really random stuff and also some serious stuff.
• I got a phone call from one of my really good friends and we got to talk for a couple hours. Laughing felt really good.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People
10. Jar-Jar Binks was the absolute worst idea you ever had.
9. You are so beautiful and smart, please don’t let yourself believe anything different.
8. I can never look at a Smart car the same way again because of you. Also, you were bizarre.
7. Never again can I wear those shoes to work.
6. Guys like you are the reason girls like me have trust issues.
5. You are the pico de gallo on my corn chip of life.
4. You might want to cut back on the espresso…you smell like a cup of coffee when you sweat.

3. I’m sorry, it’s just that you bore me to tears when you talk.
2. Thank you so much for saving my life.
1. I love you so much.

Nine things about myself
9. Can’t drive a stick shift.
8. Terrified of commitment.
7. Read over a thousand words a minute.

6. Cancer survivor.
5. Don’t like pie.
4. Fresh Meat member of the local Roller Derby team.
3. Almost always wear a cardigan, regardless of the weather/event.
2. Don’t like watching movies.
1. Once went to physical therapy to improve my balance (yeah, it’s pretty bad).

Eight ways to win my heart
8. Tell me you think my eyes are beautiful/gorgeous/unique/etc.
7. Make me laugh hysterically.
6. Sing with me, loudly. Doesn’t matter what the song is, just chime in and rock out.
5. Treat me to frozen yogurt. I like sugar free vanilla with heath bar. Lots and lots of heath bar.
4. Make me a gluten free dessert of some sort.
3. Don’t be afraid to tell me when you think I’m being irrational about something that’s not a huge deal.
2. Encourage me in my writing endeavors
1. Don’t make me feel unintelligent or point out my quirks in a negative way.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. I’m gonna be LATE FOR WORK!!!
6. This is totally not what I saw for myself when I imagined my future…
5. How many calories are in this…?
4. That guy was SUCH a LOSER.
3. I wonder what I’ll look like when I’m 80…
2. Am I ever going to fit here?
1. Keep it together; one day things will finally work right.

Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. Brush Teeth
5. Wash Face
4. Contacts out
3. Read bible
2. Pray
1. Lay there and try to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

Five people who mean a lot and in no specific order (also, I have more than just 5 people who mean a lot)***
5. Lindsey
4. Alison
3. Laura
2. Kim
1. Mom/Dad (It counts. They function as a unit)

Four things you’re wearing right now.
4. Hoodie
3. T shirt
2. shorts
1. unmentionables

Three songs that you listen to often.
(this is recently)
3. Bear Hands- “Belongings”
2. Foster the People- “Don’t Stop (Color on the Walls)”
1. Local Natives- “Wide Eyes”

Two things you want to do before you die.
2. Go surfing
1. Have a book published

One confession.
1. I almost always read the last page first.

***I just want to give a shout out to my good friends who keep me going. DT- you make me laugh EVERY time we talk, LW- You are the best friend I have, AW- you have the biggest heart and always make everyone feel so special, KM- Dude, you’re just cool, AM- Well, yes.

(Scene: A mash-up of different emails, texts, and facebook messages from the last couple weeks, bits and pieces from our favorite working girls’ lives…annnd action!)

K: I like children’s shampoo. Why should they be the only ones who get to enjoy the tear-free citrus scented bliss of “citrus surfer”?

L: Yes, I agree. Now, when did you get a twitter? Did Siri talk you into it?

K: I don’t know…it all happened so fast! I was online and hopped up on that codeine cough syrup and before I knew it, I was making posts about how flammable cheetos can be and how Siri is a complete jerk.

L: Whoa, it’s ok! I’m not judging you!

K: I know, I just feel so ashamed. It’s like I sold out or something. I think I might have a social media website addiction.

L: No, I think you’re okay. I know you’re okay.

K: You mean it?

L: Of course! I do deplorable things too, especially now with how C + my schedules are working.

K: Like what?

(Pause)

L: Like renting all the Twilight movies and watching them.

K: Lo?

L: Yeah?

K: Can I come over and watch them with you?

L: Sure.We might as well watch them if we’re going to rip on them. And I kind of want to see the wedding scene…not because it’s Twilight, but just because I like weddings.

K: How many bottles of wine should I bring?

L: I love our friendship.

K: Judgement free.

L: Always.

This has nothing to do with mustaches, but it is awesome which means that it automatically earns recognition here at Our Father’s Mustache. Recently, Robert Schwartzman of the band “Rooney” released a solo album called “Double Capricorn.” All proceeds from the sale of this album are being donated to the Tibetan Healing Fund, which is  an organization working to bring medical care to women and children from rural villages in Tibet. I’m a huge fan of Robert Schwartzman anyway, so the fact that the proceeds from the album are going to help others is just icing on the cake.

Here’s his new song;

I dig it, you should too.