Our Father's Mustache

(Scene: Housemates K & S are out for a group dinner at a local restaurant, and have both noticed how chilly the temperature has gotten since they entered the establishment.)

S: It is SO cold in here!

K: I know, right?! Feel my nose!

S: (leans over to feel K’s nose) Oh my gosh! It feels like a dead person’s nose!

K: That’s what I — (Sudden pause upon realization of what’s been said)– Wait, what??

S: (Not really sure as to why K is confused about her description) Yeah, you know…cold and stiff. Like a corpse.

K: (Still confused) Do you touch dead people often?

S: (Now just as confused as to why K is confused) Don’t you?

K: No, I don’t. Not ever.

S: Really?

K: Really.

S: Not even at your grandparents’ funerals?

K: (Respectfully, but with conviction) Hell to the no.

S: Oh, okay.

K: But I’m relived that’s the situation in which you’ve touched a corpse. It makes sense.

S: Wait, you were thinking that I just went around touching the noses of the dead.

K: I mean, not entirely, but I also wasn’t sure what situation would call for you to touch any part of a dead person.

S: Well, I’m glad we cleared that up.

K: As am I.

(Respectfully relieved that no one at the table touches the noses of random cadavers. End scene.)*

* Everyone mourns the loss of a loved one in different ways. This post is not intended to make light of death or poke fun at the way different people mourn their loss. It was merely a conversation where realizations were made, and a funny one at that.

(Scene: Dinner. S & K are discussing ideas on how they should decorate the so-called “catchall room.” Nothing has struck them as inspired as of yet)

K: So what do you think you want to do in here as far as decorating & storage?

S: Oh, I don’t know quite yet. I have a few ideas, but don’t really know which would be best.

K: You know, I’ve seen a lot of really cute office ideas on Pinterest. Maybe there’s something on there that would be inspiring?

S: Yeah, I just don’t really care to look at other people’s ideas, you know?

K: You realize that eliminates pretty much the entire internet, right?

(pause of realization)

S: I just want to eat my burrito and not think about it.

K: I respect that.

S: Shh.

K: Okay.

(Ah, the internet; plagiarism at its finest.  Is there anything original out there, or have we finally run out of ideas? End of scene.)

(Scene: The art room at the house; our two lovely roommates are settling down after long, hard day at their respective workplaces. Conversation ensues as they both sit on their computers. Let’s listen in…)

K: So, there’s a FREE Flaming Lips concert in October.

S: Yeah? That sounds cool.

K: Yeah, it’s Friday the 26^th in OKC.

S: Oh, a Friday concert? That’s good timing!

K: Yeah, and it’s also a COSTUME PARTY!

S: Well, huh. Where in OKC is this concert?

K: I think it’s at the zoo—

S: IT’S AT THE ZOO?!?!?!? WE HAVE TO GO!!! WE HAVE TO!

K: Wait…let me get this straight—I tell you about a FREE Flaming Lips concert/costume party that happens to fall on a Friday night, and you’re most excited about the fact that it’s at the zoo?

S: Um, yeah. I really like the zoo.

(Both girls look at each other and start laughing as they realize how ridiculous they both are. End scene.)

The following is HANDSDOWN the best email I have ever received. Since I’m in a royally bad mood, I thought I’d post something that made me laugh.

I *JUST* remembered my dream from last night, and it’s too funny not to share.  We were at the airport, and while waiting in line to check our bags we realized PRINCE WILLIAM was standing RIGHT in front of us.  You were freaking out, because he and Kate had just split up, and you knew this was your one shot at destiny.  There were a few girls from high school in the line behind us and they overheard our convo and were laughing, saying something like, “Yeah, like he’d go for a girl in overalls!”  Then I looked at you and realized you were, in fact, wearing overalls (and not the cute kind).  You tapped him on his shoulder and said something like, “WILL YOU LOVE ME??”  He was so gorgeous and had such a beautiful accent, and politely said something ambiguous that was basically telling you no politely. You were pretty crushed, and decided to go to Portland instead of your original destination which was never disclosed. Apparently Portland is the land of the heart-broken.  I spent the rest of my dream in the airport terminal trying to impress William and convince myself that it’s ok to divorce my husband if it means I’ll be marrying royalty.  Mel showed up and kept going on and on about how sexy his hair was (he didn’t have a balding spot in my dream like he does in real life), and I was getting so mad because I had thought the same thing but she beat me to the punch.  Anyway, that was about it.  Thought it was pretty amusing, so hopefully it’ll give you a chuckle!

K: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten and liked?

MR: I don’t know. I might need to think about that for a minute. (Pauses to think) I’ve had quail and deer…not at the same time. Those were both pretty good.

K: I’ve never had either. When did you have those?

MR: I had quail at a Greek restaurant the first time I was in London. The deer was at a skydiving boogie in Ireland.

K: I think you might have a more adventurous palate than I do.

MR: How so?

K: I don’t think I’d be able to stomach deer.

MR: I had it made into a burger. Why couldn’t you stomach it?

K: The thought of eating a wild animal would make me want to puke.

MR: Why?

K: Because it was out in the wild, minding its own business and then someone shoots it out of nowhere and then it’s dead. It makes me sad.

MR: Fair enough. Just so you know, you would not have not well if you felt that way and lived in the time of cavemen.

K: I would have been a vegetarian.

MR: What if some cavemen had domesticated dinosaurs for food?

K: I would eat that.

MR: But not wild dinosaur?

K: No.

MR: What if the dinosaur was killed in self-defense and then eaten to be environmentally friendly?  Would you eat that?

K: Yes, but only if it was killed in a humane way. Like, not if it was a “bull fight” style killing.

MR: The dinosaur would have been the aggressor and the caveman would do his best to kill it quickly and humanely.

K: Then I would probably eat it.

MR:Okay.