Our Father's Mustache

(Scene: A Friday afternoon at the office, post-lunch but pre-afternoon snack time)

CB: Are you wearing WOOL?!?! It’s 73* outside today. Are you really cold?!

K: Yes. I actually have my heater on, and am wearing knee high socks, leather boots, and jeans.

CB: Good grief, do you have long johns on too?

K: No. That would be excessive.

CB: You know that it’s started raining, don’t you? Your sweater is going to shrink.

K: (laughs) actually, when my brother was in marching band, their uniforms were made from wool and they had to seek shelter in the rain because of that reason.

CB: So how come sheep don’t shrink in the rain?

K: (sounding superior about her knowledge) Because sheep are cotton.

(long and very silent pause)

CB: Oh for the love.

K: Wait. That’s not right.

CB: (simply shakes head and walks back into his office)

(End scene)

(Scene: Thursday afternoon, chatting with the boss while taking a brief break from a weekly project…)

K: I bet stoners came up with the idea of the dorito-shelled taco at Taco Bell.

B: What are you talking about?

K: It’s a taco…in a dorito shell.

B: I know THAT. I meant, why do you assume that potheads came up with the idea?

K: Are you serious?

B: Yes.

K: Okay, so we have: A) Doritos, B) Tacos, and C) a place that sells them until 2 in the morning or later.

B: Ahhh.

K: I can just picture it. Two potheads, late at night…”Hey dude…you know what would be awesome? A taco shell made of DORITOS.”

B: You seem to have thought this out quite a bit.

K: I don’t do drugs. Just for the record.

B: Katie, I know you don’t do drugs.

K: I mean, I have had prescription drugs, but that’s different.

B: Katie, it’s fine.

K: Crack is WHACK!

(Pause…………………….)

K: I’m going back to my desk now.

B: Okay. By the way, those tacos are delicious.

(End Scene)

My blog posts have been infrequent as of late, and I feel that deserves some kind of explanation. I’m currently working on a few pieces of freelance writing to submit to different publications, so most of my effort has been dedicated toward that. However, I frequently have moments of thought process failure/awkwardness (subtext: I will never run out of material), so posts will go up as usual,  just not as promptly as they have in the past.

To those who actually read my blog, thank you. I hope you enjoy what you see and continue to read what I write. If, by some miracle, I write a book one day, I hope you’ll read that as well.

Love,

K.

P.S. Just be warned, I’m a member of the Hanson Fan Club and this weekend is a members only concert AND movie premier (read: We’re going to watch all the Hanson Documentaries on the big screen! OMG, SO EXCITED), so there will probably be an overwhelming number of Hanson-related posts coming up.

P.P.S. I’m also accepting ideas for topics I can write about. If you’d like to see my thoughts on a particular topic, email/message me.

(Scene: On the road, coming back from a weekend full of baseball and rain. KM is snoozing in the back, while MR & K sing off-key with the Beatles…then, in the distance, a sign for a local attraction…)

K: (Sits straight up and GASPS) PURINA FARMS!!!! MATT!!!! WE HAVE TO GO THERE!!!!

MR: I don’t think it’s what you think it is.

K: And what do you think I think it is?

MR: Really, Katie?

K: Yes.

MR: Fine. I bet the image in your head is of herds of puppies, stampeding all around, waiting for you to pet them and love on them.

K: Yes.

MR: I don’t think it’s like that.

K: Yes it is.

MR: I think that’s where they make puppy food.

KM: (from the backseat) Katie, you know what they put in dog food right?

K: I don’t know….Anyway, can we PLEASE go to the puppy factory????

MR & KM: (together) Puppy FACTORY?

K: Or Farm, or whatever!

MR: It’s gone from Purina Farms to a puppy factory?

KM: (Laughing uncontrollably) Katie, how do they make puppies?

K: WITH GIGGLES AND SUNSHINE!

KM: Nope. Think about where puppies come from…

K: I DON’T WANT TO! YOU’RE MAKING THEM DIRTY!!!!

MR: It’s nature.

K: I don’t want to think about dogs, you know, getting it on.

KM: Why don’t you google “how to make a puppy”?

K: I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! PUPPIES ARE MADE OF SUNSHINE AND GLITTER AND HUGS.

MR: Woof.

K: You guys ruined it.

MR: Doesn’t matter. We weren’t going there anyway.

K: WHY NOT?!?

MR: Are you kidding? Have you seen the rain we’re driving in? Also, it’s like 45 minutes out of the way.

K: Fine.

KM: (still laughing) Katie, where do you think they got the term “doggy style”?

K: NO MORE!!! I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT!!!

MR & KM: (Laughing hysterically)

(The conversation entertained the entire car for about 40 minutes, then the adventurers got hungry and went to a Ruby Tuesday’s. K will one day visit Purina Farms. People need dreams. End Scene.)

(Scene: The local Whole Foods Market. K is in need of some vital GF foods and has made the trek to Peoria on this normal Wednesday evening)

K: (Internal dialogue) Let’s see…I need cookies, biscuits, couscous, MUFFINS, and what else? I always feel like I’m forgetting something…oh, hey, this magazine looks pretty cool. I bet this is what all the cool vegan girls read. Maybe I need to buy some enviromentally-conscious shampoo. Maybe I need to make my OWN shampoo! Nah. That’s a lot of work. Ok. I guess I have enough cookies & snacks–WAIT! DONUTS! GLUTEN FREE CHOCOLATE COVERED OLD FASHIONED! Well, hot dang. One box or two…? Just one. My freezer isn’t very big. Also, I don’t need that many donuts. OOOO, free samples! NO. RESIST. Go check out. I wonder how much this will cost…(Stands quietly while the cashier starts to ring items up).

Cashier: (slowly scanning items, one by one; clears throat and begins to speak…) You know that we sell produce as well, right?

K: (Begins to blush) Well, yes.

Cashier: I just wanted to make sure you were aware of that. Veggies are naturally gluten free.

K: (Feeling compelled to talk through the awkward moment) Yes, yes they are. I do eat other things besides cookies and biscuits. It’s just that I live 30 minutes away from Whole Foods and can’t get my favorite snacks at my local stores.

Cashier: Ah.

K: (Continuing awkwardly) I really do eat a balanced diet. Fruits, I love fruits. Spinach. You know, gotta have my leafy greens. I’m like a bunny. But I’m not. I’m sorry for talking.

Cashier: That’ll be $95.67.

K: (Quietly thinks, “Yeah, that’s why I don’t buy my produce here, but you wouldn’t understand that, would you? NO. Gotta only have organic. HA.”) Alright.

Cashier: Thanks. Have a nice day.

K: (Turns on the heel of her LEATHER BOOT– THAT’S RIGHT. I WEAR LEATHER) You too.

(Now every time K shops at Whole Foods, she feels a deep need to inform the cashier that she does eat a balanced diet and respects her body. Each time, the reaction is the same. No one cares. End scene)