Our Father's Mustache

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I’m pretty stoked. I’d be more stoked if I liked turkey, but whatever. It’s still a day full of fun and family, AND I don’t have to be at work. So, in honor of the holiday that is known for counting the good things in your life, I’m going to do a list of 30 things I’m thankful for (in no particular order whatsoever). And here we go…

1. My family. I know, I know, it’s totally cliché, but I really am thankful for them. They take care of me when I’m down and celebrate with me when I’m up. I’ve got some good people on my side.
2. My best friend, Laura. You have friends and then you have the kind of friend who make you realize that everyone else is doing a halfway job at being friendly (I know that sounds odd, but whatever. This is my blog and I can sound odd if I want to). Laura is honestly the coolest person I’ve ever met, hands down. She’s honest, loyal, and really funny. I love her to pieces. Her husband Chuck is pretty awesome too (come on, the guy puts up with our debates about whether or not Zac Hanson is getting a divorce. Chuck is an angel).
3. My dog, Pepper. She’s really cute.
4. Whole Foods. I would starve to death without the gluten-free aisle.
5. Coffee. I’m not a morning person. This beverage has saved countless lives.
6. Skinny Jeans. I have a flat butt and skinny jeans celebrate that. Plus, my legs are really thin and it’s hard to find regular jeans that fit right.
7. My super sweet guy friends. They are few and far between, but they remind me that not EVERY guy is a jerk. Most of them are, but a rare few are not.
8. Toilet paper. I think we should all give thanks for that.
9. My job. I would make a terrible homeless person. I’m not resourceful enough and would probably get stabbed to death within a week.
10. Health insurance. Yes.
11. Indoor plumbing.
12. Not being married to that jerk. Seriously. I would be miserable and probably hate all mustaches and  unicorns and I’d never publish a book because all my self-esteem would be completely gone (can you tell I’m really thankful about this one?).
13. Gluten-free cupcakes at Sprinkles.
14. My iphone. Now instead of pretending to text in an awkward situation, I can just play angry birds.
15. Defensive drivers. If we all drove defensively, the world would be a friendlier place to live.
16. Unlimited data. Now Nyan cat can fly all day long.
17. Having a firm grasp on reality.
18. Being a chick. I so could not be a dude.
19. My hoody collection. I can stay warm all winter long.
20. Flannel sheets. I think we can all agree on this one.
21. Unicorns. The thought of them keeps me from saying things I should never say (if you have no idea why unicorns keep me from saying bad things, refer to post number 1).
22. Hanson. I feel really young when I listen to their music.
23. My scars. They serve as a great reminder that I can get through hard times and be okay. Plus, I think they’re really, really cool looking.
24. Star Wars. Do I really need to explain this one? Light sabers, a Wookie, Hoth, Ewoks.
25. My degree. I got to go to college and in a world where a majority of women are denied education, that’s a pretty big deal.
26. My health. I know, you think I’m joking. Really though, besides having cancer and dealing with a completely worthless immune system, I’m doing really good. If I’m feeling down, I just think about the kids that spend their time in pediatric oncology. I’m not dying, I have all my parts, my life is good.
27. Frozen Yogurt. When I’m feeling too fat to eat ice cream, froyo makes a dang good substitution.
28. Chapstick. In this upcoming season of mistletoe and magic, my lips stay soft and pretty. Take that however you like.
29. Home. It’s warm and safe, the place where I can kick back and relax.
30. Hope.  I know that’s a little bit of a stretch, but I’m thankful that I still have things I want to do before I get too old. I have hope that I will get published and people will enjoy what I have to say and I’ll be able to write as a means of self-support. And I’m thankful that I have that to look forward to.

So that’s my list. It’s not really funny or nerdy or interesting, but these are things I’m sincerely thankful for. In fact, this list should be a billion times longer because I have it really good, but no one would read a list of a billion things.

 Happy Thanksgiving to anyone reading this. I’m thankful for you too. : )

(Scene: Yet again, a normal, boring midweek day. Our girl K is excited about getting an iPhone, but not for any of the reasons that one would normally suspect. Her friend M supports the excitement, but it’s because it benefits him as well. Two nerds are better than one. Three are even better, but that’s another story. Cue lights…)

 K: So, I get my new phone on Saturday…and I really want to have a lightsaber fight with someone, so if you could get your droid here pretty soon, that would be awesome.

 M: I’m hoping to get it soon.  A lightsaber battle would be awesome.

 K: I’m being serious about that, just so you know.

 M: I know. So am I.

 K: I’m going to be really disappointed if the Android and iPhone cannot work together. In fact, we might have to have a backup plan if the phones aren’t compatible.

 M: I can steal Mackey’s iPhone and use that.

 K: YES. That’s a great plan.

 M: If you had 2 iPhones, you could tape them together and have a Darth Maul double lightsaber.

 K: Matt, I think you just blew my mind.

 M: iPhones and duct tape are probably pretty compatible

 K: Now all we need is a dog that looks like Chewbacca.

K: I wonder if that dog actually looks like that or if they hair-sprayed it to death to get that “style”

 M: I hope it normally looks like that. That would be so much better.

 K: Oh my gosh, I wonder what its growl sounds like…

 M: Judging by the size, probably not very intimidating.

 K: I wonder if there’s a way you could amplify/modify the sound waves to make it sound like a Wookie call….

 M: Probably. But how would that sound when it barks?

 (Pause……)

 M: I hope you’re not trying to imitate the sound at your computer.

 K: Uhhhmmm….what if i am? And I’m thinking it would sound more like a velociraptor than a wookie…

 M: I just remember your attempt at a wookie growl was less than stellar yesterday.

 K: I have trouble with making growling sounds…or rolling my “R’s” for that matter. I would make a horrible pirate.

 M: Plus pirates don’t use lightsabers.

 K: Exactly. But they do drink rum, and I could do that.

 M: You might just have to create a new type of pirate.  One that speaks properly and uses a lightsaber, but still drinks rum.

 K: A socially-evolved pirate. Classy. I like it.

 M: And instead of a parrot, you get a dog that looks like a wookie.

 K: Yarrrrrrrrrrr.

Let’s stray a little from the routine that has become Our Father’s Mustache, shall we? I think that instead of my usual back and forth, we’ll go for more of a “story” format.

Once upon a time, on a day normally reserved for fun and games (oh, Saturday, how I love thee), I thought I was going to die. “Why was that?” you  ask. Well, I shall tell you.

The reason I thought I was going to die was because right after I woke up, I began coughing. Not normally an issue for me, all you have to do to cough is take some air in, then expel the air with a greater amount of force than you would normally use to exhale. The issue this time was that plenty of air was being exhaled while no air was going in. At all. My first thought was, “Um, no, I’m not going to die of something stupid like choking to death on my own phlegm or because of an asthma attack,” followed quickly by the thought, “holy mother, I might choke to death if I don’t get some help here.”

So I ran to my bathroom making a really horrible wheezing/dying rabbit sound (because remember, no air was going into my lungs at this point. I couldn’t even call for help), and THANK GOD, my dad heard me actively suffocating and came to my rescue. I don’t know how he did it, but he bear-hugged me to the point that I was able to start breathing again.

I don’t remember much else from that day except for getting my new iphone (clearly of high importance), and vomiting every 3 hours. Oh goody.

About 9PM that night (we’re still on Saturday here), I decided that since I couldn’t keep fluids down and had the worst headache of my life, and still couldn’t really breathe, I should probably go to the hospital. Oh goody.

I should make it very clear that I HATE hospitals, and avoid them at all costs. The fact that I actually wanted to be in one means that I felt pretty close to death.

Anyway, I got there, threw-up again, and then laid there on a gurney until the nurse took pity on me. After a rough start with my I.V. (oh, yes, please, could you dig around in my arm a little bit more with that needle? It makes me feel so alive!), things got a little better. All in all, I had two bags of saline, a shot of something that made me feel pretty happy, and some anti-nausea stuff. Oh, and I got to experience the great ‘quake while in the ER. Some pretty exciting stuff, I’ll tell you what! (It was kind of disturbing to hear what the nurses had to say about the quake…”IT’S THE END O’ DAYS, I TELL YA!”).

So, that’s the story in a nutshell. I still feel pretty horrible and won’t be writing much for a few days, but I thought I should at least give a decent reason for my absence.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure that the reason I got so sick, so fast is because I’ve been on a liquid diet for the last few months. I haven’t been able to eat normally and feel as though any progress I made is probably in the trash. If you’re the praying kind, I’d appreciate your prayers. If you’re not, well, I’ll take positive vibes as well.

(Scene: a normal, boring Thursday morning, and our two favorite working girls are weighing the options for their futures. Since becoming independently wealthy seems to be evading their grasp, L comes up with the next best idea…reality television and wine. There’s no way they won’t be successful …right?)

L: I figured out what we can do with our lives, since the whole having people give us money for no apparent reason isn’t working out.

K: Oh yeah? I’m excited to hear this idea!

L: We can be WINOS! Together!

K: YES! Wait, why? I mean, I’m not against it whatsoever, I’m just curious to where this idea came from.

L: Well, I’ve never enjoyed wine of any kind, but recently was turned on to this white wine called Muscato. It’s so good, I’m fairly certain I could drink a whole bottle (ok, not really, but it is that good), and the best part is that you don’t get a headache or feel crappy the next day. We’ll be such classy girls, what with our wine and maybe even some cheese!

K: WAIT. I JUST HAD AN IDEA.

L: WHAT?

K: We need to start our own wino reality tv show.

L: No. Way.

K: Ok, picture this: you and me, living under a bridge, specifically the one at 31^st and Sheridan. We’ll have a pet squirrel and pigeon and we can teach them to do little tricks. We can even have a shopping cart that we share!!

L: We should start out small on YouTube, get someone to fund us, and then go from there. Maybe we could even get a book deal.

K: OUR OWN BRAND OF WINE! IN TINY BOXES!

L: We’re going to be rich! RICH, FAMOUS WINOS.

K: We have the best ideas. Sigh.

(Pause…Pause…Pause)

L: Let’s revisit this idea of tiny boxes of wine….

K: Oh, yeah! Like, boxes of fruit juice, except with wine. It would even come with a little straw. You know, for people on the go!

L: That’s a great idea!

K: Or even wine in a Capri Sun pouch. It’s fun, yet classy.

L: We’re geniuses.

K: True that.

(End Scene)

Here at “Our Father’s Mustache,” we take it upon ourselves to be awesome, and part of being awesome is constantly being on the lookout for opportunities to do good. So what I’m about to do is something completely out the ordinary; I’m going to make an endorsement. I know, right? Don’t worry, it’s a cool one. And I don’t know…if this endorsement works out, perhaps I’ll do a monthly product endorsement or something like that.

Anyway, without any further delay…..CHECK IT OUT!

That’s right, amigos; TOMS shoes with mustaches on them. And not only do they look wicked fresh, the support a good cause. When you buy a pair of TOMS, they give a pair to a child who needs shoes, which is really, really cool. Now how can it get better than giving shoes away to kids in need? Well, when you buy a pair of TOMS with the mustache on the side, you’re helping raise awareness about different cancers that men can face.

Double whammy of goodness, right there! I’ve pasted the links to both the TOMS website and the Movember site below. Even if you aren’t into TOMS, you have to admit that these are pretty cool, and they go to a good cause.

Movember website: http://us.movember.com/?home

TOMS shoes website: http://www.toms.com/movember?icid=us-home-092011_131