(Scene: Monday afternoon, the day seems like it will never end. MR finds a 5k race online that he thinks K would be interested in; a zombie race, of all things…)
K: I want to do that race
MR: As a runner or a zombie?
K: As a runner, I would make a terrible zombie.
MR: How so?
K: I talk too much and eating brains is disgusting. That’s how you get mad cow disease.
MR: But I thought you hated running.
K: I do hate running. but zombies are slow.
MR: On the website it looks like there are some fast zombies.
K: It would be a good test run for me to see how long I would last in a zombie apocalypse.
I’m guessing I’d last about 23.8 minutes. Less than that if I had a crossbow.
MR: Less if you had a crossbow?
K: I’m guessing that I’d probably mortally wound myself accidentally.
MR: Or at least hurt yourself enough to slow you down so you get caught.
K: Exactly. Because we both know that it’s difficult for me to do two things at once, like stay upright and balanced while talking.
MR: But what if all the zombie movies to date are wrong and zombies can run at the same speed as the people could before turning into zombies? What if they can even go faster?
K: Well, then everyone except for Olympic runners who have taken horse steroids are all pretty much dead. There’s no real positive outcome in the event that zombies do rise up. Eventually everyone will become a zombie. I maintain that it’s a recessive gene and one day someone will just give birth to a zombie and then we’re all screwed.
MR: There’s one thing I really liked about my old apartment.
K: What?
MR: It was well suited for defense against zombies. Second story so they can’t get to the windows. And the door had a double deadbolt.
K: That’s very true. Maybe that’s why they were raising the rent?
MR: Maybe. But if you stocked that place right, you could last for a while. And use your crossbow to pick of zombies from the safety of the balcony.
K: I’m beginning to wonder why you decided to move… Do you own a crossbow?
MR: No.
K: Ok. I kind of think that pirates are scarier than zombies.
MR: Modern pirates or old school pirates?
K: Both.
MR: Or Pittsburgh Pirates?
K: Terrifying.
MR: How are pirates scarier than zombies?
K: They yell while they gut you. And pirates aren’t very hygienic.
MR: But zombies are?
K: Zombies have a good excuse not to be.
MR: Where did 28 Days Later take place?
K: Britain.
MR: How did the British do fighting the zombies?
K: Not very well.
MR: Now…who did the pirates worry about in Pirates of the Caribbean?
K: The British….
MR: And how did the British do against them?
K: They put up a good fight but were still rather weak.
MR: But did better than against the zombies?
K: Yes. Very much so
MR: So the British can defeat pirates (even if it does take a while) but have a lot more trouble against zombies.
K: Yes, what you say is true.
MR: Then it stands to reason that zombies are a more dangerous opponent than pirates.
K: I cannot argue your logic. Well done.
MR: Thank you.
K: You’ve thought about that a lot, haven’t you?
MR: Actually, no.
K: You mean that was off the cuff?
MR: Yeah. It’s amazing what I can do when I’m not distracted by work.
(Zombies and pirates and work…OH MY! 28 minutes from beginning to end; what a conversation– End Scene.)
Our Father's Mustache 